The Child Who Witnessed Domestic Violence
Social media is abuzz with the story of Hằng Du Mục, and when I read the words of Dịch Dương: "When my father hit my mother, I was small, and I could only stand behind the door, watching him hit her without stopping," suddenly, my own past came rushing back.
My parents divorced when I was just one year old, but after that, they continued to struggle for 10 more years over whether they should stay separated or reconcile for the sake of the children. Occasionally, my father would return home for a while, then leave again due to mounting conflicts.
One night, while I was sleeping, my mother’s piercing scream jolted me awake. The first image that struck me was my father sitting on the belly of my mother, repeatedly hitting her in the face. My body froze with fear. The scream lodged in my throat, and I couldn’t move a single finger. I lay there in the dark, paralyzed by terror, unsure of what to do.
It felt like an eternity passed as I lay there, motionless, listening to my mother’s sobs and my father’s fury. Then, my father began to strangle my mother. At that moment, perhaps the fear of losing my mother overcame all other fears, and I instinctively jumped up, clinging to my father’s arm, begging, "Dad, please don’t hit Mom." And he stopped.
Carrying the Pain and Shame
After that night, everyone praised me for being brave, my mother thanked me for protecting her, but I remained silent, knowing the truth of my own cowardice—that I had been awake for a while before. Even years later, I continued to feel guilty for not being braver. If only I had known my father would stop when I begged him, if only I had been courageous enough to jump up as soon as I woke, maybe my mother would have suffered less. Every time I thought about it, I felt weak and despicable.
Over the years, I eventually learned to forgive myself, to forgive the little girl I was back then. No one had taught me how to react in such a horrific situation, and being paralyzed by fear is a completely natural human response. I did what little Thuy could do. When I understood this, I gradually moved past the shadows of the past.
Recently, my mother and I were talking, and she brought up this story again, praising me for being brave. For the first time, I was able to be open with her, telling her that from my perspective at the time, I felt so cowardly and awful for not protecting her sooner because I had already been awake. When I finally spoke these words to my mother, she laughed, I laughed, and I knew I had moved on from that old story.
When Reconciliation Isn’t Possible, Divorce Is the Best Protection for Children
This is also part of the reason why, years later, I never supported my parents’ idea of getting back together. And I am very grateful that my mother bravely chose "divorce," even though I witnessed all the bitterness and hardships she endured in the decades that followed. Just one incident was enough to scar my psyche deeply; I can’t imagine what I would have become if I had had to witness such scenes repeatedly over a long period of time.
Later, my mother told me that it was my innocent words that made her determined to end things with my father for good: "Mom, I don’t understand why you want Dad to come back. Every time he comes home, the atmosphere in our house becomes so heavy." My mother said she realized that if she was afraid of us being hurt, we were already hurt, so there was no point in trying to reconcile anymore.
So we continued our lives as a mother and two children, laughing and enjoying ourselves. With the love of my mother and brother, I grew up whole, still full of faith in love and the value of family. My beloved brother also played a huge role in filling the void left by my father—something I will share in another story.
There are thousands of reasons why people divorce or don’t divorce, and one of them is "thinking of the children, so they can have both parents." As a child in the story of "parents who divorced when I was 1 year old (and dragged it out for a decade)," I believe that when reconciliation is impossible, divorce is, after all, a humane solution to protect the tender souls of children, allowing them to grow up in peace.
The Achilles' Heel and Principles with a Partner
Even now, when I recount this story, the images of that night are still clear in my mind. Witnessing parental violence is something that can hardly be erased from a child’s memory. Those images, like knives, cut deep into a tender soul, leaving invisible scars that are not easily healed. Sometimes, when I read stories about domestic violence, I unconsciously remember that night—the image of my father sitting on my mother’s stomach, hitting her mercilessly.
Thus, one of my principles when it comes to love and marriage is "No physical violence." The clear image in my mind makes it clearer than anyone else: even a small act of violence can bring back all those horrifying memories, and I always believe, "If there’s a first time, there will be a second, third time." Some things should never be touched, like opium or violence.
So, even though my current boyfriend and now my husband have no tendency toward violence, I always make it clear to him that this is a line we cannot cross. Another woman might choose to turn a blind eye, but someone with psychological scars like mine will not be able to.
Everyone has their Achilles' heel. And domestic violence is mine in the story of marriage.
Nobody can predict the future, but up until now, my husband still understands.
The Right to Choose Happiness
I believe that most women, if they knew a man would violently lay hands on them more brutally than an enemy, would never choose to love or marry him (except for a few who "because I love him too much, believe I can change him"—I won’t discuss that here).
Only when they enter into marriage, go through conflicts, then they realize this.
Endure or divorce?
There’s no right or wrong. Divorce is a long story of divorce. There are bitter humiliations of a "single mother" raising a child alone, of which I am a living witness. The only thing I hope women in this world will choose is to choose happiness.
We cannot choose what will happen in our life, but we can always choose how we face it.
So when a crisis happens, ask yourself: What makes you happy? What makes your child happy? How does each day pass by joyfully and happily?
Small happiness builds up to big happiness. Right?